Could Grandma Really be THAT twisted?

Gotta love home inspections. Every time you think you've seen everything, something else comes along.


It's no secret to many of my old time clients that I have a 70's phobia. That was my decade. I remember thinking in high school that we were so "normal", and nobody could make fun of us like we did the 50's. How wrong was I? Let's just say me and Nevill Chamberlain (British dude who thought he could make peace with Hitler) are buddies. Galactically, astronomically wrong. Wrong like my dog who runs off when I call him and wants a treat for it. Wrong like a guy who's driving with his wife in the car. That kind of wrong. 


People Did Stuff in the 70's.


Sometimes I'll mention my phobia of the 70's to buyers, and they'll raise an eyebrow or two and ask why: Weird stuff just happened back then. We were all apparently high on grass. Not the drug; just grass - the stuff that comes flying out of the lawn mower.

Swag up that shower, Grandma

We invented lead and asbestos in the 70's. We invented shag carpet. We invented psychedelic colors and bare foot footprints walking up walls in our home. We invented aluminum wiring and a toilet paper shortage. Yep. I remember it all because I was a gangly non-stoner. It was brutal.


Grandma! Wrong! 


But to add to the psychotic remnants of the 70's, we have swag lighting. I took this shot at a recently completed home inspection, and thank goodness for modern photography! I'm not sure that 1000 words would be enough to describe all that is wrong in this picture. 


Asbestos puncturing, electrical shock issues, rust and most of all, tortured aesthetic rules are being shattered like a big psychedelic bus blasting through a glass building! Perhaps grandpa had something to swag about. I don't know, but I'm proposing a new bureau: the aesthetics police.This kind of atrocity must never happen in civilization again. 

Meth Education You Don't Get In School

This One's Beautiful


So I was called out to a known meth contamination home today. This one's in Sandy. The home was in a middle class neighborhood - it was about 2000 sq feet and I'd say it was built in the mid 90's. As I walked in, I realized that some of the signs I look for were not in this home. Others were.


I noticed that the carpet and drapes had all been ripped out. Apparently someone before me had tried to do a cleanup and failed. I'm certain that's because they did the wrong set of things, but that's a blog for another day. 


This Ain't Book Larnin' Bessie


As I looked around, I noticed the "messy" factor was there, despite the gutting the home had received. Check. That's a meth flag. Then I noticed something that I'd seen in other meth homes. 


 Are You Ready for a Secret? 


Door frames. The books tell you to look for messiness, for stains, for poor maintenance. Then experience teaches you to to look double careful in the low end homes and the foreclosures. More meth there. But now? Door frames. At this home and at some of the other meth homes I've cleaned up, we've had door frame damage. This fits very nicely with the profile. 


I know a guy who used to be a tweaker. The stories he tells about what he did to people while high will curl your hair - that is if your hair started straight. If your hair is already curly, let's go with Afro. 


In any case, let's just say that meth users get emotional. Angry. Livid. Raging psychopathic conflagrations of, well, you get the idea. 


Looking at a House? 


So next time you're looking at a home and you see that a door frame has been pounded, show everyone how intelligent and street smart you are. Think Meth. Then, test it or call me and have me test it. Your husband / wife / clients will think you're amazing and love you forever.