Painters, Plumbers, Schmucks and Sorrow

Where the Wild Mold Grows

Mold - when the water source comes from inside the wall

Ran across a beauty today. It used to be a castle - not any longer.

As is often the case during my inspections, I struck up a conversation during the inspection. He said his former realtor had told him "you don't need a professional inspection on this home -  I have a brother in law who is a painter - we should have him do it". 

Now, there are no words for such a - well - genius. At best, he should have his licensed burned in front of him. Perhaps dousing him in lighter fluid and playing with matches might be useful. Perhaps the "enhanced interrogation" techniques used at Guantanamo may change is ways. Thank goodness my client recognized him for the true pillar that he is, and found another realtor. The new guy recommended me.

Mold - when the water source comes through the wall on the floor

A Gold Star for a Good Realtor

So as we went around this home, I wondered what Mister painter might have found. Turns out that the home was a great candidate for meth. We took a sample, but I don't want to go there in this blog - there are other blogs to read that outline what I look for. 

Mold - notice the water line goes higher than the mold line

We got in the basement and noticed that the carpet had been pulled up. Was there water entry from somewhere? I put on my mold sleuth hat, and we went looking. 

Is there a Schmuck's Anonymous? 

After some searching and a little use of gravity, we found that a recently installed tub had some problems. The first? It didn't drain. The second? It did drain, but from a leaking sewer line. The entire contents of the tub had repeatedly ended up in the family room, as evidenced by the mold history.

Conserve Water?

The carpet was so wet it shows the soggy carpet footprints

Now I've heard someone say "Conserve water; shower with a friend". It's an interesting thought, but has some drawbacks. Same with donating your bath tub water to the people in the family room. This carpet was wet enough to show the footprints we had just made! It was swamp time, and there were millions of creatures in that swamp - and growing. 

We've Only Just Begun

Then we find that the water heater was leaking and had caused its own mold problems. It was hidden because the owner had hooked up a hose to the drain - of course he could have fixed the leak, but no. He ran the leak to a drain. Maybe the dude was a painter. I don't know.

Don't use electrical tape to fix plumbing leaks

 Electrician? 

Or maybe he was an electrician, as evidenced by the electrician's tape he used to attempt a leak seal on another ceiling. 

The Good Ol Moral

I guess the moral of this one ain't hard. Get a pro. Whether it's a plumber you need, or an inspector. Otherwise, guys like me will call you a schmuck on the internet - and you'll deserve it. 

Drainage Nazi: Good Gutters Going Ghoul

So where's that water gonna drain to? 

So I actually had a little bit of time today - what a refreshment that was! I got looking through my files and did some organization. Now, I've written about drainage before, but It's always new and refreshing to me! And how could I truly earn the "Drainage Nazi" title if I didn't obsess over it?

The Drainage Nazi: He's Baaaack!

Despite my many rantings, the volume of water that finds its way near America's homes is somewhere between monstrous 

The mother of Utah Lake. Standing water at left center

and humongomucho. As evidence, I give you the mini-lake Utah, found on the side of a home (pic below). Clay soil here - it doesn't drain, except into the basement. And the 1-inch depth of standing water was right there, waiting to make me look like a genius by finding its way right into basement land. 

Drainage into the Window Well: dtw


Let's just say it's common for me to find a condition where water drains toward the foundation or window well. My sweet little macro for one is dtw. The other? Yep. dtf. 
Saves me the pain of having to type out all the letters as I'm doing the inspection.

Is it common? Severely so.


Then there's dsh

Um, weeds growing in the window frame?

How much water are they getting?

Ah, the joys of not having to type out the full sentence. Dsh: don't spray the house.  Now, I see it commonly but you gotta love the photo here: weeds growing in the crack of the concrete under
the window frame? Really? Exactly how much water are we placing on the frame? There are mold and termite remediation companies everywhere that owe their careers to these kind of practices. Oh yeah - and me. It's so easy to look like a genius when I go way out on a limb and predict this kind of stuff. 

How many errors in this picture?  I count, hmmm

Being Highly Recommended Ain't What It Used to Be

Got a call the other day - somebody knew that they had meth contamination in their home so I took off my home inspector hat and put on my meth man mantra. 


The home was in the neighborhood just north of Thanksgiving point. After weaving my way in, I met with the guy and asked him what he knew of the inspector and the way he did his meth testing. I know the guy - he's one of the better inspectors. He said that the guy had come highly recommended. 


Now THAT offends me


From my perspective, I have two titles: the first is "Drainage Nazi", the second is "The guy who comes highly recommended." I was offended. I object to others calling themselves my name - or my official title(s) . It's like they were stealing my social security number or making my dog work nights when I thought he was sleeping. 


So I put my offendedness in my hip pocket and moved forward. As we walked though the house to gage the contamination and assess where best to take the meth samples, I asked where the inspector had tested. The response offended me: the walls? My blog readers are better trained than that! This inspector is somewhat lacking in his "highly recommended" training! 


It would be a Highly Recommended day 


So we check out the basement. Seems that a bedroom window well needed desperately to be dug out and the entire area around it drained into the well. Did the previous dude notice all that? Nay.


Bathing in Urine


We went out to the garage - quite often the smoking occurs out there. There was a heavy smell all right, but not associated with smoking. The place reeked of pet urine. I asked if the previous inspector had identified it as urine or had described what to do about it. The guy was impressed I knew so much on the subject, and his "highly recommended" friend's stock was dropping. 


Furnace Fibers Fray my Face


Then I look at the furnace, because any good CEI blog reader knows that's where to test. The filter was OK, but the furnace blower was covered in a good half inch of dust. I asked if the previous inspector noticed that? You can guess the answer. 


The Revenge of the Highly Recommended 


So I got him a couple of correctly selected samples, based on his thoughts and based on the home's layout. Handed them to him and prepared to leave. I was proud of myself because this guy was now well served. He got the meth samples he wanted, he got much more meth information than he knew he could get, and he got a bonus mini-inspection that slams down the stamp on my title - with emphasis. Gotta love that. The title is mine once more.


So as we were leaving, he walks to his car, but confused. He asks me for the fee for what I'd done. No charge. He's taking it to the lab so I never intended to charge him. 


Now that's highly recommended. I think he'll mention that to his realtor. 

How to Die in Your Home, Part 2

2

Warm air flows uphill. The flue must also go that direction

So I teach a class to realtors on the "fear factor" any press: good old Carbon Monoxide - also known as CO.


Dying Inside the Home: Vissues - you know - meth, mold, radon, asbestos, lead, EIFS etc. It always draws plenty of attention from realtors, and deservedly so - plenty of good deals are lost because someone flips a lid over one of these issues. Funny thing is, based on my experience all of these items put together don't approach the level of risk associated with an item that never gets arious Recipes

Carbon monoxide flows right out the flue,
then back into the home via the swamp cooler
- a very efficient way to die

Now if you want to die, there are a variety of ways inside your home to make it happen. I read an obituary a number of years ago about an elderly lady who hired the cheap roofer. He left his tools up on the roof at the end of the first day. Yeah. Lazy. Things get worse though. He went back the next day, knocked on the lady's door and got no answer. She was dead. It seems that the roofer covered her chimney flue with his tools, and she died in her house that night. 


I have any number of stories as relates to CO. Back in the day, an open hatchback nearly did in my own family. Bottom line is: CO can get you and it needs to be respected. 


America: Land of Innovation

You can't create safe elbows at water heater flues with tape

So when I run into the obvious at home inspections, it always makes me wonder how much people love their own lives, and perhaps the lives of their families. It is no mystery to most of us that flues have carbon monoxide, an that CO is a poison, and that we should get the stuff out of the house. Yet the innovative ways we use to keep the stuff in the home are fascinating. 


The Moral of this Morbid Story



Here's the thing: if flue air wants to rise, and it's poisonous, it should be allowed to rise right on out of the house. Making the warm air flow downward in the flue? Not a good plan if staying alive is the goal. Using tape instead of a ductwork elbow? Hmmm. Sucking the poisonous gas back into the home via the swamp cooler? Cheaper than a bad divorce. 


But if you love your family and you'd prefer that they stick around awhile and take care of you when you're old? Well, it'd be a real good idea to make sure that stuff leaves the home - and stays out.  

Meth, meet Methuselah

So after doing a few meth cleanups and identifying a number of meth homes lately, I've begun to think that I'm one of the best - if perhaps not the best - meth inspector in the State. This could have something to do with the fact that I'm one of only two inspectors on the Utah State meth specialist list. Guess all I gotta do is beat that guy. 

It Might Look Like Kansas, But...

So I was in a house the other day, and amidst everything else, was mentally checking off the place for meth. Now typically, a meth house will have certain identifying features. You might have read in a previous blog how door frames can indicate one sign of meth. I'm starting to believe that nobody knows that but me.  And now - you. There are other signs of potential meth contamination, i.e. dirtyness, etc. 

But This Had None of Those Signs

I'm a professional pessimist. It makes me a good inspector. You know, you get into one of those old homes and you look for the signs of meth. This home had none of 'em. None. Why? Because it had been very recently remodeled. So my twisted brain starts twisting: why would they remodel? To sell it, or because the place was trashed from the meth lifestyle? 

Dr. Amazing Strikes Again

So with 0, count em, zero, signs of meth use in this home, my meth flag is up. I recommend a meth test. Some thought I'd fallen off the deep end. Of course I wouldn't be telling this story if it hadn't turned out like I'd suspected. Just got the result back today: meth use. 

I was able to council the client as to what the number meant, and how to address this issue with the bank. The deal went forward, and everyone is grinning. Love it when things go that way...